The Best Questions: Inquiring Minds
Authentic relationship building is grounded on an open-minded inquiry into who someone else is, what makes them tick.
If I had a super power, I’d want to it to be the ability to ask the best question for a given moment. Thoughtful questions are generative and they open up space in a conversation and a relationship to go deeper. To ask great questions, you first have to be an excellent listener. Often a question that lands flat was off topic or was recently answered. In that case the question does more harm than good.
I found that it’s helpful to think of the quality of the question before it escapes your lips — will the person be able to answer this question? would I be able to answer this question if it were posed to me? It’s unfair to ask questions that you wouldn’t feel comfortable answering.
True inquiry also means that whatever the response is, the asker has to suspend judgment and consider the answer as a gift. If you’ve been trusted to ask a good question and entrusted with an actual answer, that is enough. I think about whether follow up questions will open the door widen or whether they will shut it.
I grew up going to a tiny Presybyterian church in rural Pennsylvania. As an avid reader, I read the bible through many times, although I don’t hold that text to be sacred in the way that I did then. Still, when you look at Jesus, he asked three times as many questions for every statement. Socrates’ dialectic inquiry allows people to arrive at their conclusions, albeit along a shaped path.
I regularly pose questions on Facebook to my followers. For example:
When people answer a question like this, they inevitably teach me something new, either about them or about the world.
So how to ask great questions:
- Suspend judgment. It has to be safe to answer your question. And the dialogue should bring you closer to a common understanding.
- Open ended questions > closed questions. Open ended questions cannot be answered with one word. They broaden conversation.
- Be prepared to open up. Asking questions without reciprocating is invasive or an interview. You have to be willing to volunteer some information so it’s a two way street.
- Allow space to be delighted. The process of inquiry always brings new insight, if you let it. And if you are acting mindfully, there’s space for joy.
What great questions have you encountered lately?
