Relationship Building Cues
How do we establish authentic connection?
As humans we are masterful at reading the signals sent by others. We quickly establish an impression and decide whether we like or trust the person in front of us. There are lots of guides to nonverbal communication and to how to ‘win friends and influence people.’ That’s not what this is about. Read Signals or How To Win Friends And Influence People if you want a tutorial on that. What I’m curious about is how we establish authenticity through the lens of technology? What social dynamics exist that we can leverage via video chat to establish connection?
The way your computer is set up for video conferencing also matters. No one wants to look up your nose, which is what happens when you have your laptop on your lap. But Tom Ford probably has the best advice in this article about how to look good for video calls. Of course, looking like Tom Ford is probably the best way to look good on a video call…
1:1 Conversations & General Considerations
Eye Contact — on a video chat, if at all possible, turn on your video. We are attuned to reading the eyes and expression of others. We lose a lot when video is off, plus participants are much more likely to be distracted or disengaged. Even with video on, the camera angle may cause people to appear as though they are looking away. We naturally interpret a lack of eye contact as shiftiness or disinterest, when it may not be the case. Here’s the truth though, everyone is looking at themselves anyway. We are fascinated by our own faces and appearance. It takes extra effort to pay attention to others on a video call.
Expression — Facial expression communicates a massive amount of information. The New York Times recently posted an article on Why Zoom Sucks that includes this quote:
But if you want to really communicate with someone in a meaningful way, video can be vexing. This is foremost because human beings are exquisitely sensitive to one another’s facial expressions. Authentic expressions of emotion are an intricate array of minute muscle contractions, particularly around the eyes and mouth, often subconsciously perceived, and essential to our understanding of one another. But those telling twitches all but disappear on pixelated video or, worse, are frozen, smoothed over or delayed to preserve bandwidth.
Mirroring — We mirror with words and with body language. I may repeat a few words that you’ve said to indicate that I’m engaged. Or when I lean back and cross my arms, you’ll likely shift in a similar way. It’s really difficult to do this well through a video chat. Pay attention and let me know if/how you see mirroring showing up.
Handshake — I don’t know the way around this one. It was a way to establish trust, but in the age of social distancing a handshake won’t hold up and, of course, it’s impossible through a screen anyway. Namaste is an alternative, or the hang loose surfer sign, or one hand on your chest along with a slight head nod. But will any of those things replace a handshake? Time will tell.
Active Listening — Of course you can and should actively listen to other participants, but one way to show that you’re actively listening is small affirmative noises (yes, uh huh) to encourage the speaker. These really don’t play well on a video call as the audio tries to shift between speakers and it’s more distracting than helpful. Stony silence is also rough on a video call. So it falls to an encouraging smile or head nod to encourage speakers to keep going.
Conversation Considerations — During a normal conversation, the rhythm and flow of the conversation is natural. There’s a postulation, a response, an anecdote, a counter-point. On a video call, the normal cadence is frequently interrupted. Sometimes that’s because of connectivity issues or (everyone’s favorite) the speaker is still muted. Someone commented on one of my Facebook posts that the solution is to “act as though it’s an everyday, face-to-face interaction” but it doesn’t work exactly like that, especially not when a larger group is gathered on the call (more below).
Fatigue — fatigue and burnout are major issues with this shift in work style. I am fortunate enough to still have a demanding job that was fairly easy to transition to working from home, but back to back video calls on top of homeschooling my fifth grader don’t leave much leeway for anything else. Any space on my calendar is fair game for meetings and they are scheduled back to back without a lot of room for breaks. A solution that some organizations are working with is 25-minute or 50-minute meetings to give some space between meetings. It would be extremely helpful if that were a standard practice.
Impressions — Are pants optional for Zoom calls? It’s like a mullet — business on the top… But for me, I’m doing a much better job staying present when I’m (fully) dressed for the work.
Body Positioning — Open vs. Closed. We read the positioning of someone’s body to interpret whether they are receptive to our ideas or closed off. Because the physical set up of home offices, I find that I’m physically uncomfortable from sitting for such lengths, even though I have a great chair and a straightforward setup. My body language is shaped by the way my back feels. When I transition to standing, that’s a different set of physical cues so it’s no longer easy to read or correctly interpret body language.
Large Group Dialogues
Turn Taking When Speaking — This one is really tricky. Groups of more than three tend to have awkward moments when it’s unclear who should talk next or everyone tries to talk at once. The larger the group, the harder it is. I’m finding that the quieter ones in the group really recede to the background and, when I facilitate, I need to be more purposeful in drawing them back into the conversation. Having an unofficial moderator to facilitate can help, along with a clear purpose for the conversation.
Introductions/Ice Breakers — Like any gathering, establishing the basics upfront is good practice. Having participants introduce themselves is ideal. Unlike an in-person meeting, on video calls, it’s unclear who should speak next; you can’t go around the circle. A moderator can be helpful or having each participant hand it off to the next by saying their name also works.
For icebreakers, I frequently pose a question for everyone to answer (what is your secret superpower or hobby? is a good one). The Best Self Discovery Deck for Icebreakers is a great product for this too.
The Long Goodbye — Video conferencing isn’t easy to conclude. Everyone tries to unmute, mumbling goodbye’s simultaneously while fumbling for the “Leave Now” button. I find myself waving at the end of many meetings rather than contributing to the awkwardness. How have you seen meetings conclude well?
There are so many dynamics at play in an interaction and many of those dynamics don’t translate well between in person to virtual. Still, we need to get better at building authentic relationships utilizing all the tools available during the time that we are physically distant. The way we interact is evolving and I hope we find ways to excel at authentic remote connection.
